| holy mother of jesus on a tortilla! |
[15 Jan 2007|02:11am] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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Unknown by Lifehouse |
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It's been a reallllllly long time since I updated this... BAD USAKO-CHAN!! Anyway, nothing more to comment on, other than I feel completely lost right now. Actually, I've been lost for a while. I have no idea what I want to be or even who I am anymore. I'm constantly finding the background a better place to be, and for a person like me, that's extremely bad. Doesn't it just make it better that even though I have a window of time to figure it out, I really don't. The window is the equivalent of a placebo.
I guess I had to get that out. I haven't been able to really confide in anyone, not even my best friend... I don't want to bring up my own insecurities when I'm helping her with hers and planning her wedding.
I'm running away. I know that. I've gone to a dark place and I haven't been able to find my way back for a while. I eventually will. I have to. How else will I survive?
Anyway to tie up this longer than what I thought it was going to be post, I'll put in a little something I found going through my boxes.
I often stare at my image
Not in vain, but in bewilderment
I wonder if the reflection
Is the girl I desire to be
Or the one I feared I would become
Sometimes I wonder why youth is a gift
When it is accompanied by so many curses
Conflicting emotions, conflicting society
Conflicting minds
I feel the need to draw back
To remain in the shadows
However, my heart aches with love
For those around me
All I wish is to understand
My heart, my past, my present
And the future, the path that I lay down
Before me with every heartbeat, with every second that passes by
For now, all I can do is wait and see
With eyes that area willing to see past all barriers
Unclouded by hate and despair and suffering
-August 1, 2004
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Scream into Silence
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[25 Apr 2006|04:06pm] |
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mood |
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 satisfied |
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music |
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Iris by Goo Goo Dolls |
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I need to get away... I honestly don’t care if I fail most of my classes this semester. No matter what I’ll do, I’ll always believe that it was a complete mistake letting me in. A part of me didn’t even want to go to college. But there were always voices... first generation, first female in the family to graduate high school and now college, how are you doing? Getting all A’s? I want to say no, fuck off, I’m not a great student, I haven’t gotten straight A’s since I was in 8th grade, and maybe I just want to get a dead end job... I know they want better for me, but because of all this pushing...I’m still very confused on who I am. For instance, I thought I’d love the theater department, and in a matter I do, just not the field I was originally going into, and then I feel so frustrated with myself, because I haven’t written anything remotely from my mind for so long I feel like a part of me has withered and died. Maybe I wasn’t ready for such a big school. I was fully prepared to have to go to ACC, and then work my way up, but by some odd occurrence I got into UT. I still don’t know why I was let in... The point is, I’m tired of being someone I’m not... I didn’t get a chance to question who I was in high school, always dealing with other people’s problems, shoving mine aside, because I honestly thought that my worries and fears seemed insignificant compared to them. As such, I bottled everything up, and this semester I finally exploded. I didn’t go to class, even if attendance was taken, and I’ve only written 2 of 5 papers for my acting class. And the thing is... I don’t care... so maybe I have more of my mother in me than I realized... because honestly, how much have I been able to rebel? I’ve heard all their stories, and maybe I was supposed to be like them, skipping school, getting sent to the principal’s office, *ha* getting paddled. The only thing I actually regret is that this didn’t happen sooner. I don’t know who I am... And I don’t think that such small classes are helping me... I love being in big crowds, that’s a part of me I understand. And like I said, maybe I’m just not cut out for higher education, if I’m willing to let it get so bad, how can I possibly think that I’ll make it to a graduation? Not to mention the fact that my attention span is getting smaller, no matter how hard I try to concentrate. In writing this short passage, I have stopped completely about 11 times, it almost seems as if I’m spaced out, and I’ve gone on the internet 4 times. Nothing can hold my attention for long anymore and it’s kinda worrying me. And I just left again, back to this now. It’s the second to last week of classes, and I just don’t want to go to ANY of my classes anymore. Really too much personal stuff has happened and I’ve really just let everything else go, letting it consume me. Hopefully I just needed to get this out of the way, so I could have a new prospective on what I need to do to find what’s right for me. I’m even thinking of switching into Liberal Arts, seeing as I’m happiest not when I’m performing, but writing. I’ve missed it so much, and I’ve finally realized it’s a sacrifice I’m not willing to make. So I veered greatly off my path, at least now I can try to rectify my mistakes and learn from them. I feel a little lighter as I’ve finally gotten this out in the open, but still weighed down because I haven’t told anyone who I need to. I’ll have to edit the story for dad, I don’t want him to worry about me. Even if he is a great understanding guy, I need to deal with this on my own. I am going to turn 20 this year after all. I need to actually become an adult. My wings are mangled, but that doesn’t mean I don’t intend to fly in my own way.
*side note: haha as i finished this, the clouds parted and the sun shined for about five minutes in the area where i am. maybe it's a sign. Or maybe i'm about to be sunburned...either way it's cool. :D
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Scream into Silence
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| sigh |
[23 Apr 2006|09:39pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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music |
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True by i can't remember who |
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ok kiddies time once again for a little rant. Now, more than ever, I want to move into this apartment. Dad is driving me nuts, more so than usual. It's just time to leave, ya know? Time to move on, even if it is in baby steps. *sigh* On another note, I'll get through what's left of this semester as best I can, while contemplating changing majors. As for Mr. "Hey-I-got-an-idea-let's-be-friends-with-benefits!", I still don't know what I actually want to do with him. We went to the movies yesterday and had a blast, and well almost ended up making out in his camaro. sigh Time is just not my friend as of late. I'll keep ya'll updated. Til next time.
"All my life I've waited, This is true..."
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Scream into Silence
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| so much crying hurts |
[19 Apr 2006|11:15pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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I think it's finally happening. I'm having a breakdown, and I think it's been a long time coming. It finally just burst out of me when I was thinking how badly I'm doing in my classes. Why am I in college? I'm being suffocated, and I'm badly losing the battle to get air. The more I think about it, the more I realize that at this point in my life, this isn't where I deserve to be. I'm not adequate, or worthy of the position I'm in, and it kills me that the truth is, I'm not the kind of person who can deal with this. I'm really thinking that I should get out of such a big university, but it hurts so much to think about how much I'm going to disappoint my family. I can't show them who I really am. God, I hate being me, such a failure and oblivious to what's around me. It's too much, and I'm afraid I'm going to do something drastic. I feel like I want to die for even thinking about this....please, PLEASE, someone, what do I do? I can't trust myself anymore.
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Scream into Silence
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| School = explosives going off in Brit's head |
[17 Apr 2006|07:20pm] |
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mood |
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drained |
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ok I'm at the point where I'm about to say "FUCK SCHOOL!!!" Too bad i'm week and I won't do it...ugh. I just want to take a match and watch all that paper work BURN! Add on top of that, that I've been sick enough to forcibly miss my performance last week, and the weirding out about this whole being friends with benefits thing... I don't think my head can take any more info. I just wanna be recluse in my room for a long period at a time with my music and my books. ... and I STILL can't believe he's willing to do it with ME. I cannot get this out of my head... it's way too weird, it's like i woke up and my life became this WB drama! I don't understand, it's not computing.... thinking sucks. I'm going to take a nap. til next time.
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Scream into Silence
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[16 Apr 2006|12:20am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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Let Me Go by 3 Doors Down |
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Ok, so my head is hurting from all the thinking I've been doing in the past 4 hours... 4 hours ago, I was talking to the guy I like, nothing new. He tells me that he's so fuckin' horny, that he'll do it with anyone, again nothing new. Massive details aside, we almost became friends with benefits tonight... ME... and HIM... the fact that he wants to do it with me just proves how desparate he is...or am I the one who's desparate for wanting him? I'm so confused, and all I can think about now is how much I wanted it... and ya know, if it wasn't for my family being here for Easter, it probably would've happened... can someone help me? I want to be with him, but I also want something more than just sex when we both get in the mood... I'm such a pathetic person...
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Scream into Silence
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| sigh... |
[15 Feb 2006|04:52pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
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music |
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Ling from the OST of Mars |
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ok i know it's been a while... i'm not feeling too well about myself right now. I'm finding less and less peace with what i love to do... this sucks... i feel like i'm alive, but i don't exist, if that makes any sense. I can't stand it. Someone tell me this goes away. I'm finding it harder and harder to find a good reason to get out of bed in the morning... what the hell is wrong with me?
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Scream into Silence
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| food day! |
[24 Nov 2005|11:25am] |
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mood |
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hungry |
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HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(sidenote: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire ROCKS!!!)
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Scream into Silence
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| Dreams that make you feel even more alone... |
[12 Oct 2005|12:50am] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon |
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ok so here it goes. Ok in the dream, i lived in an apartment and had a roommate. well HE came over, i opened the door, but instead of saying hello to me he and my roommate headed straight for her room. so i stupidly wait in the living room just reading a book for a while, when he comes out like nothing had happened, except i see that my roommate is only wearing a sheet before he closes the door. So i put a big smile on my face and we do our usual hello hug, only it lasts a little longer than usual. i don't really think anything of it until i notice that he's pulled back a little. and then we kissed. i swear it felt so real, though i don't know how i can back that up, seeing as i've never really kissed before (and shut up that doesn't count). it was just a brief one though, and after we pull back we do the usual "so how you doing?" "good, and you?" and then we kissed again. but then i just got really sad, even though i was so happy, and just kinda moved out of the hug that we were still in and said "this can't happen". he asked "why?" with the most sincere face i've ever seen him have, and i just say "because you don't want me". and then i woke up... i was so surprised and shocked that it wasn't real, the last thing i expected to see was my room. so yeah it's hard for me to say it out loud, just because i know it's true and it makes me tear up everytime and i didn't want to do it over the phone... am i stupid or what? clinging on to a hope that never really existed. ya know katelyn told me today that he asked her to go out with him again. of course she said no, but i still felt a pang of jealousy when i heard it. isn't that silly? Why is it that even though i know that nothing can happen or should happen, i still can't let go? god this sounds like something out of those stupid romance novels i read. i'm going to bed now. feel free to comment.
"Why live life from dream to dream and dread the day when dreaming ends?" -Moulin Rouge
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Scream into Silence
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| technology is rebeling right now |
[05 Oct 2005|03:29pm] |
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mood |
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annoyed |
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music |
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anything angsty |
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aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhh! my computer at home is fried so now i have to rely on the computers at school... scary since everybody and their grandma is here, and hovering over people's shoulders to see when they're gonna get off so they can get the computer next. *sniff* so i'm not gonna be im-ing for a couple days... and now i have to redownload everything that i had that i couldn't save cause dad didn't tell me he was going to try to completely restart the computer.
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Scream into Silence
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| freaked out! |
[02 Oct 2005|04:21pm] |
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mood |
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 scared |
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ok so this weird person keeps im-ing me and telling me that i need to check out his profile on myspace and that he lives only like 25 minutes from me. i was intrigued at first but then he keeps sending me the same message, and won't answer any questions i have back... i'm really hoping he's just screwing with me, cause any other option i have in my head is scary... help...
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Scream into Silence
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| sleepy |
[29 Sep 2005|10:14am] |
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mood |
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sleepy |
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yeah just sitting here procrastinating... even though i should be looking over my astronomy notes again for my quiz and printing out my paper for languages of the stage....meh i still have an hour and a half til i have to leave for class... i can do it all in 30 minutes... this is going to kill me later
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Scream into Silence
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| college |
[05 Sep 2005|11:57pm] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
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music |
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Dream of the Shore Near Another World -Chrono Cross |
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So, yeah, fixin' to go on the second week of classes and i'm already swamped with paper work from ONE class... all due tomorrow. LOTS of writing ahead for Languages of the Stage... cool thing is i get to see 8 plays this semester b/c it's part of the curriculum. LOVE! if going to see a play was a grade in high school, i would have been first in line to buy a ticket!
so other than that(and the fact that i can drive myself to class now) i'm so stuck on Fruits Basket and Immortal Rain... the whole curses and immortality storylines are getting stuck in my thoughts... and i'm sure that's where my philosophy prof. would be proud of me. go Bonevac!
yeah ok need sleep now.
P.S. update from my last journal entry... no motion... and nothing is gonna happen... just gotta move on
"When we are older you'll understand what I meant when I said no. I don't think life is quite that simple." -Utada Hikaru
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Scream into Silence
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| Broken Heart |
[17 Aug 2005|01:46am] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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The Dance by Garth Brooks |
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i poured my heart into this journal a minute ago, but this stupid system messed up on the posting, and now i have to do it all over again... i was crying, and still am, because just a few hours ago, i said goodbye to the man i love. he leaves tomorrow morning at 6 to go to his dorm down in college station, and i regret that i never told him just how much i'm going to miss him. Over and over in my head, are memories, and playing in the background are possibly the two most important songs in my life at this moment. Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw, and The Dance by Garth Brooks, which sums up my feelings in the past hour. i told myself, be his friend that's the best thing you can do. he's got other girls to love so deeply, let him have a good friend. but as soon as he walked out my door tonight, after i shut it, i had to fight to hold back my tears. i still remember the first time i knew. it was senior prom, he'd just arrived with his little group, and when i saw him, i threw my arms around his neck and held him, and he hugged me back just as tight. i realized i didn't want to let go. does this sound pathetic? i'm starting to cry again just thinking about it. i've kept this a secret for so long, even from my best friend, because i thought the pain would be dulled when this day came. god was i wrong. when i closed the door, there was this huge pain in my chest, i didn't want him to go. he gave me my first slow dance (sung by good ol' Tim) and i'm sure it'll be my only one for a long time... it was one of the happiest times of my life, and nowadays it seems i don't get a lot of those. later on, i know i'll get through this, to be happy that both of our lives are moving on, and he can be with somebody who will love him for all of who he is. but right now i just want to be selfish and say i wish i could've held him for just a moment longer. god i can't stop crying. i wish i could have avoided all of this pain, but hey, i'd have had to miss the dance, huh? and i never want to forget that. god i love him so much, and i'll always regret not fully expressing just how much means to me, and how much he meant to me these 4 years that we've known each other, even if i did only realize it back in May. my sun is setting, who knows when it'll rise again? right now i just want to remember all the times we had together, good and bad. i can't say anymore now... i don't think my heart can take any more confessing...
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Scream into Silence
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| need sleep...... :( |
[24 Feb 2005|02:42pm] |
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mood |
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frustrated |
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i really need to catch up on my REM sleep... there's too much stuff due next week. damn english and it's busy work ways!!!!!!! suffering from some heartache today... won't let out details just yet. i'm also suffering from watch withdrawl, I NEED TO KNOW THE FRICKIN' TIME PEOPLE!!!!!! on a lighter note, i just bought a new manga yesterday. well new for me, anyway. it's called Kare Kano: His and Her Circumstances. it's really weird but it's cute too, kinda like Hot Gimmick. ahh!! the 8th volume should be out already! i want it!
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2 *Scream into Silence
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